The Palindrome

It’s January 21st — of 2021. Today, 01/21/2021, is actually a palindrome. Same thing forward and backward. And how strange the coincidence, that in my own life, I’m striving for somewhere between.

I took two walks today. One with my son and my dog earlier. The other alone. As I set off for a short walk in my neighborhood, I saw a young mother with three children that looked to be of the same height, maybe by a mere inch or two separating them. Her youngest, a girl, was gleefully making a noise, which I found endearing, as the mother of now big kids. She was simply trying to pick them up from what must’ve been her childcare — a friend or relative perhaps. It struck me as I watched her getting them all into her car — that was me just 6 years ago. I was the mom who, after working a full day, really wanted to get everyone in the car and get home, and who probably just could not find such a noise endearing.

I walked and the cold air hit my face, but the sky above me told a different story. The blue mixed with orange, yellow, and some pink. Scattered clouds like the pattern of a mixed breed puppy. There was hardly any sun, but it made it’s presence known, regardless. It was there.

I walked and I thought of my own mother, who would do more than smile at young children, she would relish in them and the attention they gave her, and that she could give them. A bizarre thing to think of now, given that, in the words of Toni Morrison, her eyes did not light up when I entered a room. Or came home from school. Or had something to show her.

It must’ve been so much easier to look at another child — one not her own — and be able to connect with them. It’s just a transient connection, of course. Nothing deep or permanent. She is in control. She can end that connection when she chooses.

I walked and I realized, the only reason she ever walked was to lose weight. To shed off the layers which she insulated herself with to pretend she was fine. To pretend that we were all fine. She taught me to do the same. Shed them — don’t have any concern for why they are there. Just shed them. Appearance is paramount.

I walked and I realized that my greatest fears have had me caught right in the middle. I want to be like her, because it’s safe. I don’t want to be like her, because it’s unsafe.

I walk, and I’m finding that middle ground. That both are true. And that it’s okay to exist in the space where both can be true.